The doctor seemed eternally upbeat and optimistic that Cheryl would beat the cancer –
right to the end.
Her mother wasn’t fooled, as she watched her daughter deteriorate daily as she
cared for Cheryl and her two children. But Cheryl’s husband who lived 10 hours away was
devastated when the hospice referral came. Sobbing, his anguish was clear: “They said
everything would be fine!”
Unable to speak or eat, lying in the hospital bed, Cheryl didn’t get the news from the cancer
doctor, but a nameless hospice doctor. “There are no more treatment options. You are going
to die. Go home and make the best of the time you have left.”
That was four days before her death. Four days.
In my leadership groups, communication is a perennial topic. When we’re debugging
feedback loops together, I often ask, “How do you want to receive feedback?” The answer is
always the same: Directly, quickly, and concretely.
I’d guess that’s how cancer doctors want to hear feedback, too. But too often, the feedback
we give others is asymmetrical to what we want to receive.
In trying not to hurt anyone’s feelings, we offer vague, watered down feedback that simply
hints at the problem rather than laying it out. I’m pretty certain you don’t want to be the jerk
boss who tears people down or demoralizes them. But the people around us deserve better.
On Safety
Cheryl’s cancer doctor probably wanted her to feel hopeful, optimistic, and safe. That’s
admirable, but in the realm of cancer treatment, unkind.
We want the same for our teams. But, what if the person isn’t safe? What is the kindest way
to offer feedback? Just the way you’d want it: directly, quickly, and concretely.
But first, you need to be honest with yourself: if their problematic behavior continues, will
you fire them? After giving the feedback, how many more chances do they get? How long
will you wait until you’ve given up hope?
I’ve always suspected that Cheryl’s cancer doctor failed to be honest with herself, and
therefore couldn’t be honest with Cheryl. So, before you try to make someone feel safe,
make sure they actually are.
And, if they aren’t, it’s time to be think about the big picture. Your engineer deserves to
know if you’ve internally given them four weeks to improve – and what will happen if they
don’t. You’d want to know, and so would I.
Turn it inward
Think about this for a minute:
– In your career, what feedback has made a difference to you? What has sparked
change?
– What specific words did they use? I suspect some of them are burned in your
memory.
– What did you do as a result of the feedback?
You know a lot about getting feedback that sparks change. How can you take apply those
lessons to how you give feedback?
Final thoughts
I wish my sister, Cheryl, hadn’t died at 47 years old. But, I also wish she had been given the
opportunity to live her last years differently, rather than living with false hope. I think she
would have spent less time with doctors, and more time with her family. She might have
finished her book, or simply appreciated every day.
But she was robbed of that by “kindness” that told her she was safe when she wasn’t, and
didn’t trust she could handle the truth.
She deserved better, and so do our employee’s. Let’s not make the same mistake.
If this resonated with you, I’d love to hear back from you.
Warmly,
-m